He Wants to Know: Dating Advice

Welcome to another installation of the "He Wants to Know" pieces! This is where a guy (of any age) asks a question and I do my best to answer said question. So far, I have had some pretty interesting and diverse questions to answer. This new topic is something I haven't been as involved with in the last 8 years, so what I will offer will probably seem outdated to some. My newest question is--What dating advice would you give me?

To kick things off, we will start off with some pre-dating advice.

#1: Don't just date for the fun of it. There are a lot of reasons that I offer this advice. The first, and most important, reason is from experience. I just dated for fun for the most part. I rarely took dating seriously, and imagining my future life with those that I chose to go out with was not a top priority. Once you have made the decision to go out on a date with someone, be certain that you have thought through things. By that I mean don't take the decision lightly. Dating without a purpose can also lead to situations in which you (and the person you choose to go out with) are faced with temptations that you wouldn't be otherwise. The key is think, think, think. Date with a purpose. Don't forget to ask for help ("Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6)!

#2: Be picky. Let's be clear. I am not saying make a list of unrealistic qualities/attributes that no one can ever live up to (For instance a dishwater blonde with two different colored eyes, who has a great sense of humor and loves sports--WAIT--she's taken!). What I am saying is sit down and consider what you are looking for in a life partner. This is not an easy task. Consider things such as values, personality traits, goals in life, and much more when creating your list. Notice I said "life partner" and not date. This goes back to dating with a purpose. When you are dating, you are looking for someone you eventually want to settle down with (or that should be the main purpose). Many people think that being picky doesn't lead to finding what you are looking for, but I would like to offer an example. My sister didn't just "date" for the sake of dating. She had not one serious boyfriend from the time she was in middle school until recently. She is now engaged and will be heading down the aisle with her first "real" boyfriend. I think that is such a testament to her faithfulness to dating with a purpose. I hate to admit this, but I often encouraged her to just date just to go out and get some experience. Now I realize how stupid I sounded.

Wow.....so to get back on target, here are some quick tips for dating in today's crazy world.

#1: Start out big! I can hear all the ladies saying, "YES! Take me out to the finest restaurants and to the best concerts! Bring me flowers and chocolates!" Start out with a group activity. It may not be your ideal situation to get to know someone in a personal way, but this is a great ice breaker and a way to help you both figure out if this is something you want to pursue. The group doesn't have to be huge--it can even be a double date. The key is to give you both some warm-up time so you don't have to immediately be "on your game" the first night.

#2: If you have already gotten past the group outings and hanging with the pals, my best advice to you is plan, plan, plan. Spontaneity can be fun, but it can also lead to problems and temptation. It's best to know where things are headed and how your time will be spent. I know many girlfriends and wives who talk about the loss of spontaneity in their lives, but when you are first getting to know one another, girls often feel more secure when there is a plan. As you move further along in the dating process, you can give up some of this planning and allow the other person to help choose or plan the dates.

#3: Be yourself. This is usually the most difficult advice to follow. I don't usually have any problem being myself. In fact, I would say that when I was dating the Straightforward Dad, I was probably too much myself! Let's just say he knew exactly the psychotic person he was committing to before he asked (and if he wasn't sure, my dad sure let him know)! Being yourself is so important. Don't wait until after your engaged to loosen up and let the other person see the real you. If the other person cannot deal with the real you, that means you are wasting your time. If they can't deal with you now, what makes you think they will deal with you later? Guys, this doesn't give you a "Get out of Gas, Belching, Itching, Etc. Free" card. Girls, this doesn't mean you can sit and talk for hours about things that only interest you. What it does mean--LET YOU SHINE! The worst of you will come out along the way, but learning about each other (even the quirks) is all part of the process.

#4: Honesty is the best policy. If you are interested, don't act disinterested to add to the "mystery." Don't wait the "required" amount of days to call. We are so prone to games while on the dating scene (and in marriage as well--I am guilty, I can admit that). It's not worth the effort it takes to play the games, people! It's more fun to actually enjoy the other person!

Overall, the center of any relationship--be it family, friend, romantic, or work--should be Jesus Christ. Being of one mind about Jesus Christ is so very important. There has to be a foundation that is solid. He is that foundation. It doesn't matter if you are dating or if you have been married for 35 years, there will be days where things don't go as planned or go as well as you pray they will. If He is not the foundation, you have nothing to stand on and your relationship is susceptible to the winds and storms of this life. He will not protect you FROM the storms, but he will protect you THROUGH the storms. If you get nothing else from what I mentioned above, walk away with Jesus Christ being the foundation on which you and all your relationships stand. In closing, remember Psalm 119:9--"How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word."

I have so many more things I could add, but I don't want to overwhelm anyone! Keep in mind one thing. I don't recommend dating to anyone who isn't ready to seriously consider who they want as a life partner. I know some parents don't condone dating. Please understand that this was a young man my age who was asking for advice. This is primarily aimed at young adults and not teenagers. I am not going to tell anyone how to raise their children when it comes to dating. Dating is a family decision that I think parents must pray about and plan for before their children ever hit that stage of life. I would love to hear what everyone else suggests! Is there anything you can offer this person? Are there any lessons you learned that you can "share with the class?" Any tips or date ideas you can offer?

He Wants to Know: Why are women so cranky?

Welcome to the next installment of "He Wants to Know" on the Straightforward Mom Blog! If you remember from the last installment, this is the time when I ask a guy what he would like to know about women or what they would want me to write about.

After reading the title, I can see some women already getting offended. Believe me, when I heard his question I was taken aback at first (I know what you are thinking--NO, the Straightforward Dad did NOT ask this question!). Fighting my urge to punch the asker of the question in the gut, I thought to myself, "What would motivate him to ask this question?" What made the situation even more complex (and frustrating) is that this is a guy who knows me well. Was he hinting that I was "so cranky?" After all these thoughts, I have decided to honestly try and answer this question the best I can.

I think there are a number of reasons why women are so cranky. One must look at the fact that there are physical issues that many of us deal with on a monthly (our friend Charlie comes to visit at the most inopportune moments), if not daily, basis. I have never been quite sure how to explain our physical issues to men, but I think that if they experienced some of the physical turmoil that we deal with, the issue of crankiness would be the last thing on their minds! I have to admit that I am at my crankiest right before Charlie decides to call on me. There are months where I don't even feel like the same person (and I think the Straightforward Dad would attest to this fact and say that he doesn't even know the being that often emerges during this time). It's hard not to be cranky when you feel like your innards are in turmoil. This also doesn't take into account other female physical issues that can come into play (i.e. pregnancy, menopause, pain from breastfeeding 500 times a day). I know that men have their own physical issues, but I think cutting us some slack in this department and understanding why crankiness would occur would be helpful.

There are emotional issues that men can't understand as well. I have found very few men who deal with fluctuating emotions like women. It seems we can be thrown from the throes of joy to the depths of depression very much like someone who is bipolar. Honestly, my emotions exhaust me some days. I know that is probably a terrible thing to admit, but it is the truth. If I could change this aspect of my womanly emotions, I might do some tweaking. I do like the fact that I am more emotionally connected to people, places, items (yes, I do still have every basketball tournament t-shirt because there is some memory attached to it), and other things than men seem to be (I think God made me that way). Yet, it would be nice to be able to disconnect when things make me "cranky."

Now, please don't misunderstand me guys! Just because we have things that cause us to be cranky, doesn't mean that we should allow it to make us cranky. (I just saw every woman reading this glare at me virtually!) I believe that women have to be extra careful not to let their physical situation or their emotional state get the best of them. It takes effort to keep out the "crankies." I am not the best person to blog about this because I am one of the best at allowing things to get a grip on me and cause me to be cranky. (Let's just say, if they gave a gold medal in crankiness, I would have a trophy case full.) Thankfully, this question (from a poor guy whom I will not name so he won't get hate mail) caused me to step back and say, "Why am I cranky? Why are other women considered cranky?" It also made me realize that I need to make a better effort to even keep from the appearance of crankiness. Obviously, I don't do my best and to be honest, some days I don't even try.

BUT, guys, you don't get out of the blog that easy either. You could offer a solution to the problem as well. If you want a less cranky wife--communicate. I know your favorite part of every day is to rush home and talk to your wife about her hopes and dreams, her heartaches and frustrations. Nonetheless, you need to take time (and the effort) to understand why that wonderful woman in your life is cranky. Does she need some help? Does she need someone to talk to? Does she need some "girl time?" The guy who asked this question wasn't necessarily talking about just his wife. He was talking about women in general. Guys, have you ever thought about asking your mom if you could lend a hand? Have you ever asked a female teacher if you could pray for her when she is having a bad day? What about your sister? Have you been there to listen to her when she is going through those "cranky moments?" (I know that talking to a woman during her "crankies" is not the easiest thing. I do believe that if you make the effort, you might be surprised at what you will discover.) Don't worry guys, women should be doing this for you as well. As if you guys didn't have enough stressors in life, you are expected to be our knights in shining armor. The truth is, communication between men and women is the key to good relationships (First and foremost is having God the center of any relationship--including friendships). . . and so is give and take.

I know that this will cause an interesting stir among readers, but I would love to hear your comments. And ladies, apparently we are cranky a lot. . . lets work on that!

He Wants to Know: Feeding a Competitive Spirit

First off, I would like to thank everyone who stopped by the blog to check out, "A Cry for Help." Because of people like you taking a stand, the show has taken a hit in numbers and sponsors. Please keep yourself informed on the situation. I did take some flack for being against the show, but I was very encouraged by those of you who supported my stand and stood with me.

This blog is a new little item you can look forward to called "He Wants to Know." This is where I will ask a male for a topic they would like to hear a female opinion on, or offer to answer a question about why women act so strangely--yeah right. Anyway, the first topic I was given was a tough one for me. My first victim wanted to know this:

"Since you are a former (who is he calling former?) competitive athlete, what do you do to feed that desire now that you do not play competitive sports? Leave it up to a guy to come up with a question for a woman that somehow still leads into a conversation about sports!

Ok Mr. Anonymous....here we go....

Me in college---Go Lady Lions!

Since leaving the world of competitive sports after college, the one way that I used to feed that competitive desire was to coach. This helped this desire immensely--except when we lost and I could not put on a jersey myself. My husband will be the first to tell you that any time we lost, I beat myself up. There was always something more I could have said or a different play I could have called. I also have always wanted to be the best teacher out there. I was always trying to find different activities to do or ideas to make learning in my class different than learning in other teachers' classrooms.

My first real coaching job

Most of you now know that since I have become a mom, my life has changed drastically. I gave up coaching to spend time with the boys. I made the commitment to stay out of the coaching arena until my boys were prepared for me to be able to spend that time in that profession. Now, I am self-employed and not teaching full-time either. At this point, I have very little avenues to which I can steer my competitive nature. I have to be honest since this is the Straighforward Mom Blog. A lot of my competitive aggression has been directed towards my husband. I wasn't beating him up or anything, but I was always complaining that he went soft on me when we played pick-up games or (when he was still coaching) that I would have made a different decision in a game situation. I know he was ready to tell me to zip my lip at moments, but he never did. I also would nose my way into other situations where I could give my opinions and thoughts to others with that same drive.

So, to answer the first ever "He Wants to Know" question, I have very few places to let my competitive nature run free. I have started running. This does help because it pits me against myself right now instead of taking out that aggression on another person. I literally will push myself to the point of blisters some days just so I can do better than the time before. Recently, due to cold weather, sick kids, and other time constraints my running time has been limited--and boy can everyone tell a difference. When I don't get to run, my mood and waistline suffer.

Another place I try to channel my competitive spirit is through my photography. I am always looking at other people's photographs and trying to be better. It's a lot like what I was doing with teaching, except this is a field that I don't know as much about. Therefore, I get frustrated and angry at myself sometimes because of my lack of knowledge. Yet, that is what pushes me to want to do better and learn more. This is one area my competitive nature actually does me good!

As for any other ventures that I can branch out into Mr. Anonymous, I would love for you to give me some suggestions. I could use some for sure. Especially if it offers an opportunity for some physical contact and elbow throwing....I sure miss basketball!