SM 101: Don't Sabotage Your Own Happiness

My Straightforward boys enjoying our snow!

Whew! What a time we have had between the last blog and this one! Holy cow did we have a snow! :) It was beautiful, but not one person in good ole GA was ready for what we got! Anyway, back on to the next class!

So, as you know, I have started creating some 101 blogs that are basically mini classes on how to (or how not to) do something. Today is another session in Straightfoward Mom 101. Our class today is on sabotaging your happiness. Do you ever do that? I sure do. It hit me pretty hard last week that I was sabotaging myself in many ways, but in my marriage the most.

Recently, the wonderful Straightforward Dad planned a fun mini date for he and I without the kids. He had taken the initiative and tried his best to be as romantic as possible. Instead of encouraging him throughout the date, I acted nonchalant and, well, to be straightforward, stupid. I did the same thing later on when he asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner one night. I beat around the bush, and of course some communication issues were thrown in, and I found myself with the same nonchalant attitude at dinner.

Last week I was "trapped" in the house with all the boys and I had some time for good reflection on what I had accomplished on my New Year not-to-do list. I read through and was pretty satisfied until the Holy Spirit started speaking to my heart about "not" being the same wife I was last year. Ouch....had I been doing this a lot? I thought back to the more recent times that the Straightforward Dad had tried to do something romantic or fun for me. Yep....there it was. I needed a swift kick in the pants. I couldn't believe that I had reacted so poorly, yet expected him to want to continue to do romantic and nice things for me. Was that the reason he claimed it was so hard to be romantic? I mean, I have been harping on him about this and here I was basically sabotaging him. What kind of wife does that? Not a very nice one, that's for sure. I made up my mind right then and there that I was going to ask, not only God's forgiveness, but my husband's as well. I did that just the other night and it has really opened my eyes concerning my attitude towards, not just him, but even my kids. I realized that I had been sabotaging my happiness in a lot of areas, not just my marriage. My attitude needed an adjustment--and quick. I am in the first days of this "adjustment", but I can already tell a huge difference. (Ask the Straightforward Dad, he'll tell you there is a difference too!)

What about you is causing you to sabotage your own happiness in 2011? Maybe you share my problem and your attitude is your culprit. Could it be that your lack of trust is sabotaging you? Maybe you are still struggling with our last lesson--a lack of confidence? I don't know what issue is plaguing you that causes you to sabotage your own happiness, but resolve to get in check. I realized my attitude was setting up the Straightforward Dad for failure every time. He had no chance when I came into our time together "wearing" that attitude. In doing that, not only was I sucking the joy out of our dating life, I was sabotaging his happiness as well! What's sucking the joy out of what you enjoy? Are you sabotaging someone else too? If you are not happy, find out what's sabotaging you and get rid of it. I can't tell you the tremendous burden that has been lifted since I had this little epiphany. It's completely crazy. I haven't been able to have another date with my husband yet, but I am so excited to give this "new wife" attitude a go on our next outing!

I know what you are thinking..."Just because you were stupid enough to shut down on a husband who was trying to be romantic doesn't mean that I have the same problems or issues." Ok, well great! But, in my few years of life (YEAH RIGHT), I have realized that people always seem to be unhappy about something. Most people will blame someone or something other than themselves. In my case, I blamed the Straightforward Dad for not being romantic or creative enough. How could he ever win when I took that attitude? Are you happy in your job? Maybe your attitude needs to be adjusted in that area so that you stop sabotaging the leader or the witness you could be in that arena. The Bible says:

"Make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset (some might say ATTITUDE) as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant,being made in human likeness. " (Phil. 2:2-7)

We are called to not look at our own interests, but those of others. Reading this verse hits me again by telling me, not only did I have the wrong attitude toward someone who loves me, but I was being SEL--SELF---Ok, I was being SELFISH. (I winced just typing that.) I was being something I am trying to teach my children not to be (Way to go Mom!).

For those of you who might be sabotaging your happiness in other areas, try using this as your motto--

“Work willingly at whatever (this means ANYTHING) you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ." (Col. 3:23-24)

So stop sabotaging yourself this year! Why be unhappy when you don't have to be? Of course you are going to have off days. We are human and still have those issues. If you have the power to call off the saboteurs--WHY NOT?? Have you done it in the past and found ways to deal? Leave me a comment because I can use all the tips I can get. Just because I am the teacher doesn't mean I can't learn! :)

Giving it all You Got!

Have you ever felt like you weren't good enough? Maybe you took on a new job and had to learn new things. Did you feel like you just couldn't keep up? Maybe you are a worn out mom or dad who feels like you just don't have enough energy. Maybe you are sitting in church and want to get involved but just don't feel like you can help. Maybe you are a student with a workload that doesn't seem to get any lighter. Maybe you are a giving everything you have to make something work. Does it feel like you just can't do anything right?

Recently, we hosted The Straightforward Son's 1st Annual Pumpkin Party at our home. I am the Straightforward Mom so I am going to hand it to you with all honesty. My house was a living mess. I am not organized. I am a pack rat. I hate doing dishes (even with a dishwasher). Our laundry has seemed to double since the Straightforward Baby has arrived. Our house isn't completely painted on the outside. My porch has more toys than decorative items. Thanks to fall, leaves are starting to overtake our yard. Toys are overtaking our lives. So, as you can imagine (especially those who are neat freaks or are super organized), I was not prepared for what was about to hit. This party started out as a project for the homeschooling Straightforward Cousin. As many of you know (and thank you so much for all the prayers), he has been in the hospital for about two weeks. All of the planning fell on me.

I struggled for several days to get motivated. I began feeling overwhelmed. I started to feel like I was doing a lot, but doing very few things well. Something in my head (Uh....the Devil, duh) was telling me that I was failure and that I would never get done. He honestly had me believing that people were going to show up and nothing would be there for them.

Something eventually kicked in. I realized that I was having a pity party and that I had to pick myself up by my suspenders (although I really want a pair, I don't have any) and get started. As the preparations started to get underway, I saw how excited the Straightforward Son was about the party. His excitement was contagious. I started to get excited. As we got closer to the start time though, I fell back into my old ways of getting anxious and bossy. I felt it coming and didn't know how to stop it. Luckily, things started to ease up and I was able to finish with the help of some great family. (It is so true that God knows when we have had enough and intervenes.)

Needless to say, the party went off great (except for the impending tornado). I think the kids had a great time and the adults were able to relax and talk. Was my house completely clean? Did I get up on a ladder and finish painting? Were the leaves even touched? Did anyone notice that our red door isn't completely finished? Did my living room stop looking like a nursery? NO. But did everyone have a path to the bathroom? Was there enough food? Did the kids have a super time? YES. I realized, that sometimes, the things that we let creep in and make us feel less than acceptable aren't really what matter anyhow.

The world is so good at making us feel not good enough. Watch TV for just a few minutes. Home shows make you look at your own home and realize how small, messy, and underdecorated (or in my case badly decorated) it is compared to others. Commercials make you realize that you don't have a perfect complexion--even with make-up. Forget about how they make you feel about your body and hair. Even reality TV doesn't make you feel better (when it should). I love Project Runway (I know this shocks some of you who know me at all. The worst dresser ever loves a show about fashion--see, there I go again!). Watching stick thin girls strut their stuff makes me realize how much my body has changed with having children. Then I look at the designers. Most of them are so talented! I will never be able to sew or see colors and patterns the way they do.

I am here to say turn off that TV and look to the Bible. Most people say, "How can I compare to David, Moses, Esther, or even Abraham?" It is true that we may never live up to being called "a man after God's own heart" or "a friend of God." But looking at their lives should make us actually feel better about our own. Examine David's life and you will find one full of victories. However, you will also find one full of trials and failures. Have you ever taken someone's spouse? Have you basically had their spouse killed because you wanted what they had? Consider the life of Abraham. Have you ever passed your husband or wife off as your sibling? Did you do it twice? What about Moses? Have you ever given God excuses as to why you couldn't do something? Have you ever killed a man?

Recently, looking at their lives have given me hope. Issues that I feel are so big seem to pale in comparison to these failures. Don't get me wrong--sin is sin. However, I often sweat over the small things until I blow them into big things. My house isn't clean so I feel it means I am a bad mother. I am still learning my new job--will I ever learn how to be good at this? I still make snarky comments at the Straightforward Dad--how can he deal with me all the time? Guess what? I am not perfect, but I am definitely going to take a tip from the people of the Bible and keep trying. Even they were not able to perfect their lives--but they gave it all they had. I know a pumpkin party seems like a small thing to many people, but I wanted it to be perfect. I gave it all I had. Even though it wasn't perfect, it was pretty darn good. I just need to start tackling the rest of my issues with that much gusto. I hope this encourages you to keep trying and to be like the heroes of the Bible--without the killing.

Building up a Child....

The Straightforward Son is in his very first year of preschool. It was a big decision for us to send him, especially since I would be home full-time this year. We really thought and prayed about the decision and felt that it was time. The first day was a little rough as he had a nervous tummy and I had to come get him early from school. The mom in me took over and made me think, "Is this such a good idea?" When I arrived to pick him up, he was devastated that he had to leave. Day two came and he hardly even said bye as he bolted into the classroom. He hasn't looked back since.

It has been a great investment! He has blossomed and loves the kids in his class (minus the one little girl who dumped the sand on his head). He adores all of his teachers. I couldn't ask for more (except maybe for him to stop skipping numbers 13-19 when he counts to 20--he says he just wants to get it over with). Today, he came home as excited as I have ever seen.

Each day, the Straightforward Baby and I go out to the car to welcome the Straightforward Dad and Son home. Today, the look on his face when I came to the window to make our usual funny face welcome said it all. He was beaming--no, glowing! He jumped out and bee-bopped up to give me the usual hug yelling, "I knew all my letters!" As soon as Straightforward Dad gets out of the car, he starts pouring out all of the compliments the teacher had given our smart little guy. I couldn't help but laugh and smile at all the things I was told. The Straightforward Son knows he is a smart and I wondered if all the compliments would go to his head. Oh, did I not expect what would happen next.

After lunch, he and I started making cupcakes for the Straightforward Dad's 29th birthday (yes ladies, I snagged me a younger man). While I was frosting and he was adding dashes of--make that dumping--sprinkles onto the tops of the cupcakes, the greatest thing came out of his mouth. (Ok, so I know some of you are still trying to get over the shock of me actually baking something--PAY ATTENTION!) "Look at this Mommy! It's beautiful. I am such a genius!" It was the cutest thing. I asked him who told him that he was a genius. "My teacher said I was a genius." Now, I don't know if this is true or not. I have no verification of his statement as of yet. I'll keep you posted since the Straightforward Dad is going to ask tomorrow. Even if she didn't say it, during his pre-test today, she made him feel like it. As a teacher, I believe that to be one of my ultimate goals--to give a child the tools and the confidence to say they feel like a genius. What a blessing! I think he said it about five thousand times today (including calling me a genius for making such great cupcakes--no they weren't burnt and tasted great).

I have made it a goal of mine to become more of an encourager. As you can read in my last post, I haven't always been successful in that ambition. The Straightforward Son's proclamation today gave me some much needed encouragement to keep trying to make every person I come in contact with feel better about themselves. I want to give some compliments and make someone feel like a genius! If you could have seen the Straightforward Son's smile today, you would want to too!

Running to Win

I have always been a very competitive person. You can ask anyone who knows me--even those who would only call me an acquaintance--and they will tell you that I thrive on competition. I think I had that personality trait even before I started participating in sports as a kid. I was always trying to be better than someone else at something. Before sports, it was memorizing Bible verses. (Yeah, can you imagine me in kindergarten saying all my verses and then doing the Heisman pose? Seriously, I won a trophy for this--the Bible verse memorization, not the Heisman pose. I still have it.) After a few years, basketball entered my life. It was all down hill from there. I became pretty competitive in most areas of my life from that point on.

So here I am. I haven't played competitive basketball in 8 years (that almost makes me want to cry just typing that). I haven't really head coached a team since I almost had the Straightforward Son at a volleyball tournament. (Actually, it was just Braxton Hicks, but it felt pretty bad.) I now am a self-employed stay-at-home mom with no competitive outlet--except my kid is better

than your kid (and I try not to do that, even though the Straightforward Kids are AWESOME). Not only was my drive to find something in which I could compete making me batty, but my marriage was taking a hit too. Arguing with the Straightforward Dad was one of those ways I could compete with someone. At that point, I realized I needed something else to take the brunt of my competitive nature.

I decided to become a "longer" distance runner. I say "longer" because I am known for my passion for not running. I can sprint till the cows come home, but don't ask me to run any further than about .2 miles. I am not even sure I would run very far if I were chased--sad, I know. I even believe that my college basketball coach made us run the two miles at the beginning of the year, just to see if I would quit. However, I desperately needed something. It had to be challenging and something that would push me to beat it. I decided distance running would do the trick.

I started a few months ago. Running two days a week, I tried to run a little a further each time. I have finally made it to a little over two miles. (For those of you who are laughing at me, remember, I said "longer" distance.) The last two weeks, I have not been able to run for various reasons. Today, I made it a point to get back out there.

I started off real strong. I was really kicking it. As I headed up the last hill to start lap two, the bottom fell out. My hip, knee, and even my brain started screaming at me. I kept running. Lap two was murderous. I seriously think I am out of alignment or something. My time slowed drastically, but I was determined not to quit. Believe it or not, I finished. At the end, I felt like I was going to pass out, but I was so proud of myself for not quitting. It was the worst time I have had since I started. (And that is saying a lot since I came home with monster blisters once!)

For all you moms out there who need an outlet, you should definitely give running a try. I cannot say that I love it--in fact, I hate it. BUT, it pushes me to be better. It has also taken inches off a body that has had two babies in the last 3 years. I am not losing weight as quickly as I would like, but it's nice to see the inches go away. It also gives me about 25 minutes or so that I can listen to what I want without someone yelling my name, wiping a butt that is not mine, or look at one billion things that I "should" be doing.

I'll keep you posted on my progress. My goal is to get to 5 miles per run. Once I do that, I will start working on reducing my time. I might even run a 5K! Right now, I am so proud of my two miles, I almost made myself a certificate to go right next to my kindergarten Bible verse trophy.