It's the little things that make life big

This July will mark 15 years since the day that changed my life forever. I had no idea at the time it was happening, but it was one of those moments where I look back and realize it was another time where God was moving and I was just not paying attention. 

You see, I have been experiencing little mile markers from God that include little directions signs that I often miss at the time or completely ignored--on purpose. I often tell people it all started at a wedding, when in reality, it started way before that. Looking back now, it's easy to see it started the moment I chose to play basketball in third grade. Had I chose to play another sport or the school offered another option, I wouldn't be where I am today (just another reason to be thankful for a small Christian school education...I didn't have an option).  Well, maybe it's not that easy.  I can even back up far enough and say it all started when my parents decided to move to Georgia. While living in Florida, I liked sports, but played more kicking a soccer ball around than basketball. This story begins even earlier than I originally thought! So I guess you can say it all started with my parents' decision to make this huge move. 

Skipping ahead, a lot of things could have kicked me off that basketball path. I didn't really get into basketball for myself until about 5th grade. I enjoyed other activities but nothing made me happier than spending hours in a gym that had a really crappy concrete floor, no air in the summer, and little heat in the winter.  I remember my 6th grade year just diving in and playing on as many teams as I could. I was addicted. 

This addiction led me to drop a lot of the other activities I thought I enjoyed--music being the one I loved the most and stuck with most of my elementary years. It was ok because hitting a shot in a game got my blood flowing more than hitting a high note anywhere else. The addiction grew into a fiery passion that caused me to do other things just to keep playing or to make me better.  I picked up volleyball in the fall to get in shape for it. I worked hard in school to stay eligible. I went to summer camps for exposure and teaching. I wanted to play for as long as I could. 

In 11th grade, I was at our school's basketball summer camp joking around with my BFF at the time (you know who you are and you still tootie my whistle), when a strange girl walked in. I have to admit, at first I was pumped to have a new girl on the team. We were going to be pretty good this year and I was thrilled to add more! She pretty much ignored all of us and went straight to the coach. In my head I thought, "Great! She's as cocky as I am. We are going to hate playing on the same team." I probably said that to my old BFF out loud too as my filter in those days was not as good as it has become now (that was a sarcastic point for those of you who know me well).  Little did we know she was the new assistant coach and I had no idea how much I would grow to respect and love her.  

She ended up mentoring me at time when I needed it most. I had come off a very hard sophomore year where I had been put through the ringer in so many ways. I had even lost someone as a mentor that I felt would be there till

I graduated. I had no idea that was God working. I felt more like I was being punished, but it was another of those signs that I chose to ignore. This new assistant coach pushed me hard. She also became someone I could confide in and who helped me focus on basketball beyond where I was.  

The summer before my senior year she was poached. This jerk (and I can lovingly say this now since he is my brother-in-law) convinced her that life in Florida was awesome and that she had this opportunity to do something else. I was pretty devastated. But she promised to keep tabs on me and thankfully she kept her word. She could have easily forgotten about some random student whom she had only known for a year. I mean, in all honesty, she had a new life ahead of her!!  She kept her word. It was during one of these times that she caught up with me that she mentioned him for the first time. I now distinctly remember her telling me, "I have the perfect guy for you to date, but he's too far away. You would really like him though."  At the time, I didn't care. I was busy focusing on college and getting prepared to continue my dream. I didn't even remember this conversation until she and I discussed it years later. 

I chose to go to PC, turning down one of my favorite colleges because It was going to be absolutely free. Money spoke to me I guess (or at least God knew it would). Today I think, what if I had made a different decision? What if I had gone to this other school instead? I didn't think twice about my decision at that time and forged through my freshman year of college.  I experienced a few set backs--getting mono from drinking after a cheerleader near the end of the season being one (and yes I still love you Area despite that). I was super disappointed with a lot that had gone on and realized that in order to really focus on basketball again, I needed to refocus. In May of 1999, I told God I was done with distractions--especially of the male variety--and I was ready to give my focus to basketball. 

This was after I had already agreed to be in my old assistant coach's wedding in Florida. I wasn't thrilled to be getting a dress, but the promise of the beach while I was there helped motivate me. Looking back, so many things could have kept me from going. Why did she even choose me to participate? We had known each other just a few years and I was younger! I had no obligations to fulfill that summer. It was probably one of the slowest summers I have ever had, so I was free. My job was pretty flexible. They were willing to let me go a whole week even though I was only working a few months. So I said yes to the bridesmaid dress. 

I was told before I arrived that there was a guy there that would be attending PC in the fall and that his mom would really like me to talk to him about what it was like, how I liked it, etc. I think I even talked to her on the phone before we arrived to confirm all this. She was nice but still nothing out of the ordinary stuck out. 

I remember looking through the crowd when we arrived to figure out who this guy was and what I would be faced with when I finally had to have this conversation.  I have to admit, there were several great looking young men at this wedding and my decision from two months before started to waiver just a bit. Miss Assistant Coach would not give me a hint and the wedding went off as planned. At the reception, I was finally introduced to the new guy and we stood against a wall and talked for awhile....ok I talked for awhile and he mainly just stood there. 

Of all the guys at this reception, I got to have a conversation with the mute one-yay. Needless to say, I was ready for the beach and my resolve from May (I thought) was still in tact. Looking back, I see how kind he was to let me blabber on and just listen to me instead of dominating the conversation like most guys would do.  But of course, at the time, I didn't see it that way. Just another little road sign I ignored. 

It wasn't love at first site. I didn't feel chills or tingles or hear angels singing above. I didn't see a bright light and hear God say "This is it Jennifer....this is the one."  I never realized (nor did I slow down to consider) that all the signs were pointing right at him. So many things could have changed the outcome of our situation--me choosing another school, my assistant coach choosing to stay, choosing music over sports.  His choices could have done the same. Through all this chaos, God created paths to that moment. Just a loud girl talking to a quiet guy in a corner of a church fellowship hall.  

That moment now means more to me than anything because it was the springboard for me to be friendly to him later on when he arrived at PC. It prompted me to be his friend and introduce him to my friends so that he didn't feel so alone while he was so far from home. 

Here on our 11th wedding anniversary, I look back and am thankful for those small road signs. I see how God moved in my life to bring me to this day where I am married to a wonderful (not as quiet), handsome, hard working man, who has given me two beautiful, amazing sons. And now, he is sleeping peacefully beside me as I am completely overdue with our third wonderful, stubborn little boy. It makes me thankful for the hard times, those times of pruning and growth that I felt were so hard and unbearable. I am utterly in awe that God kept directing my path even when I was so focused on other things and not asking for His guidance.   

This road has not been easy. We have had a lot of ups and downs. Yet every moment has been created by God. I still have moments where I feel pruning or when hard times hit, but I know I am being directed--that there is a plan. 

Thank you Anthony for being open to His paths and plans. Thank you for putting up with that boring conversation. Thank you for taking me back to that exact spot last year to remind me how powerful the God we serve is. Seeing that place after so many years filled me with a sense of wonder, peace and joy that you could never imagine. 

Thank you for helping me raise these fantastic boys who make us laugh and are exactly like us. Thank you for telling me I am pretty when I feel nothing but pretty huge and tired. Thank you for not giving in to all this world has to offer and being the man our children can look up to and emulate. Thank you for simply loving me for the loud, obnoxious, moody woman that I am.  I know thank you can't cover how grateful I am but I hope that this short blog to the world makes you feel appreciated, loved, and respected. I love you! 

Fear and Making Mistakes--A Look Back

The passing of another year and the coming of a new one.  I always seem eager to blog again when I get to December and realize I haven't written anything in months.  It's probably typical of most and even more so of mothers, now that I sit down and really think about my response. 

It's so easy to sit down at the end of anything and weigh your positives and negatives.  I don't know about you, but I often find myself focused on the negatives--even if there are more positives represented.  I see all my screw-ups, faults, failures and sin.  Hidden in the background are all the triumphs, joy, excitement, and moments of pure grace.  Today it hit my while ready a blog of dear friend Nancy, that there is one thing that causes the negatives to rise to the top--FEAR.  It is a tool that is so often used against us in many situations, but why would it show up when we are trying to see both sides? It's the perfect time for fear to step in.  I can just see it saying, "Look at what you screwed up last year! You are going to make the same mistakes and you will never learn.  You are just not good enough.  You never will be good enough."  In my mind I see my husband, my kids, my parents, my pastor, my friends, my customers, my past students looking at me with sad eyes and shaking their heads.  Thank you fear, but I have had enough of being afraid of seeing the good.  And guess what, you are right!  I'll never be good enough--I don't have to be.  I have someone who is good enough for me.  I want to be able to overlook all the bad and see beyond it to all the good the year held.  We had some pretty big moments and victories including the salvation and baptism of TJ, Reilly starting school and loving it, the announcement of the birth of our baby, and so much more. 

Every day we have choices.  We can allow fear to continue to blind us from what really matters or we can allow God to squash it before it starts.  We can keep striving to be "good enough" or we can opt for allowing Jesus to be "good enough."  We can see the joy, love, and truth of every day or we can focus on the fear, pain, and trials. 

This year, I am focusing on a quote I found recently.  It states,
          "I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.  Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

           So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

           Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.

           Make your mistakes, next year and forever.
This reminds me that it is okay to make mistakes.  It means that I am going out, pushing the envelope, learning. It reminds me not to be afraid--of mistakes, of trying, of change, etc.  I hope you will hold onto this quote and post it somewhere.  Don't let fear rule 2014 or any year for you.  Each day wake up and let God squash it and go to sleep thinking about all the wonderful things the day held (even on a bad day there are good things to take away). I want to leave you with a song to go with it!